My greatest failure is, I try too hard to be liked. I will bend and change my thoughts and likes, if only for a brief moment, to gain favour. I’ll say yes when I want to say no, just so know one thinks any less of me. Then I try really hard to fight my natural reaction to others and over compensate in my actions trying to be true to who I am and usually scare the shit out of people. I am kind but not that kind, I’m good but not that good. I desperately want you to think hey she is fun, cool and smart, so I will agree with all you think and say and respond yes to everything you need and want and then I hit a wall of panic, I’m overwhelmed, I cannot keep up with all I have said I would do, places I would be and then my actions are sub par to the expectations of others and myself… I cannot fulfill my own needs let alone others and I hide, then I panic I will be hated, talked about and it starts again… I overcompensate to make up for my failure.
Of course this comes from my lack of self confidence and the ability to truly like myself for the person I am. I think I do and but deep down I really cannot. Sure we can all blame our parents or genetics or hard knocks in life, but that changes nothing of who you are today, accept and change, accept it and develop and the acceptance becomes your strength to understand why. I may not be Einstein or Gisele or Serena, but everything I do comes from kindness, I sometimes may not be able to be there for you, as I figure out my emotions and demons, but I will push myself to get to you if I can . But some days I need to self preserve and hide, nursing my own in grained anxieties. Brain in hyperdrive , over analysing every thought and conversation I’ve had that day , week, month .
As walls come down and I trust I may stop agreeing and I may be settled in our relationship to sometimes say no or actually disagree with an opinion and know you will not stop being my friend.
A very rare beast indeed.
I work hard on myself everyday, trying to be a better human, mother and wife. I know I swear too much and stress too much, arrive too early, expect too much, text too much , shout too much, look in the mirror too much . I probably don’t wear enough sunscreen or clean my house enough or brush my hair enough, or believe in the church enough or ski enough or travel as much as I would like. But I try hard enough everyday to be better than the day before.
So If I agree too much with you, ignore me and try to peel that layer away and see the real Kelly lying bare underneath. I am beginning to believe she is kinda ok .