My articulation of the following matters will no doubt be poor. I am an Aries, I do things fast, I like to get from A-B the easiest and quickest way possible and if that means corners are cut, then that is my unwanted dead stock. My education was science and sport focused, I was good at them so I stuck to them. Hence, forming prose and ideas on paper (screen) come freely from within, but will rarely be grammatically correct or presented as eloquently as people who ACTUALLY can write.
I write for therapy, I write to share. I write to tell people that it is OK to share the shit as well as the good that weaves through our existence. I never want sympathy, I do not need it, I know who I am and I know what is unique about the way my brain processes and the way I feel and I feel a hell of a lot. Sometimes when this emotion is so strong I can feel it physically. At my lowest this once has made me hallucinate (sadly this was not drug induced).
What is great is that I have pretty much been anxiety free for 8 weeks. Things are brighter, life is clearer, I can love readily. I have reduced the pressures of my day, I have continued to exercise, I write, I am baking more and forcing myself to sit very still and watch my children play. I have cracked open my Tarot cards and started to feel them again, channeling my thoughts through imagery and a realm beyond. I FEEL CALM… Its a very novel and beautiful thing for me.
From all of this, I have started to question religion again, the meaning of my life, the grand old question, why the fuck am I here? Clearly not just to swim, bake, parent and drink coffee.
My whole life I have felt like I live on the edge of a great discovery of self. As a what am I here to give? I know I am here to help others and to give myself to nurture and love, but its more than that. As a kid I used to think I was a fairy, I used to sit at the end of our garden, under the brambles and search out my fairy family. I have tried to talk to dead relatives, but I was never sure I could really do it. I can feel and see an energy, people glow to me, I know who I can trust by a light that people have. I can feel emotions from others and some people do feel dark and it is those I cannot be near or spend time with. The upshot is, I am fascinated with religion, but my brain is steeped with science fact. So, I have read a lot recently, trying to formulate my beliefs or not.
The thing is I do not believe in one god – I do believe in a greater energy (if you want to call that god,so be it)
I do not believe that Jesus fed the 5000 or could walk on water (that would make him a wicca, no?) – yet I believe a good man walked our earth and helped others.
I do not believe in Adam and Eve – I do believe in the evolution of the earth, mind, body and soul.
I do not believe in a Heaven, Hell or Valhalla, but I do believe in reincarnation and a energy transference.
I believe that the earth is our creator who needs our love and protection.
It is an interesting learning curve, I am reading about many gods and traditions and religious roots in Paganism, which is currently where I am sitting and I am just discovering Pantheism, these both recognize all that is divine, worship nature and recognize the feminist face of the divinity.
A definition of Paganism: A polytheistic or pantheistic nature-worshiping religion
A definition of Pantheism
1. A doctrine that equates God with the forces and laws of nature.
2. The worship of all gods of different religions, cults or peoples
indifferently, also tolerance of such worship
I have also become obsessed with the novel “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. Which encompasses all gods and goddesses from a variety of religions and presents them as a single group all respecting, but either working for or against the other.
I understand the need for religion, the need for faith and love, a sense of unity and a place to sit with like minded people, to create community, to give a focus to our meaning and a person with whom we can talk to at any time of the day.
However I do not understand, the violence, the nonacceptance of another persons point of view, another individuals needs, hopes and fears. I am not Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Jehovah, Wicca or a Buddhist. Yet I have friends who are. I may not always agree with what they say or what they believe, but I love them for their strength to place their belief in something or someone, which I have not yet done or will do any time soon.
I float way below the divine, lost, but not lost, searching for that light, love and revelation. I am most at one with life under the water in silence or standing on top of a mountain, arms spread wide with the wind in my face, biting my skin, the sun warming my bones. The world below me, majestic, breathtaking, light, volatile, unpredictable, DIVINE.
Nature is my god, goddess and savior,the elements my angels and guides, humans are the dark forces to bring to the light, to see, to understand what we have been given and must protect.
I am still no clearer, but calmer, I am to read more, learn more and one hopes, relatively anxiety free.