“Please don’t take my sunshine away.’

It hit me like a thunderbolt, out of nowhere and straight to the heart.

It was like any other Wednesday, the sun was out, (we live in Florida it’s always out) my 3 year old K3 and I had decided on a playground adventure. Water and snacks were packed and off we go. The biggest decision we had to make that day, was which playground? We had no cares in the world, we just played, up the mountain, down the slide, I even have to squish my ass down one or two, we swung, we climbed, I pushed him on the merry go round and then I was on the merry go round, both of us singing and chatting and just being, just being Mama and son.

It was only as I was helping him navigate a slightly tricky climbing wall, that it smacked me so hard in the heart, that I wanted to crumble and cry hard, really hard. WTF this is my LAST baby, my last, last baby, in 2 years he will be in Kindergarten and off like his two older brothers and we will no longer have these mornings, together, alone, carefree and chatting, being, silly and running and whooping. I will be just solitary, just me, alone, OMG SOOOOOO ALONE. While he goes to take on the world, with each amazing and powerful stride. No more, will there be those pudgy arms around my neck, or the softness of his cheek against mine, whilst he whispers how much he loves me,  with that still tangible baby smell, faint but still recognizable and soothing. There will be no more playgrounds, early morning beach dates and adventuring, no excuses for me to swing on the swings as high as I can reach, with my little buddy beside me, or marvel at a bug as it makes its way across a table, with such enthusiasm and joy, such pure, unaffected joy and interest. No excuse to roar like a dinosaur as loud as we can and skip among the puddles, to scooter fast, whooping in unison, to just sit and watch him learn to hop and be so ecstatically happy as we dance to his achievement and shout “I’m a big boy”. Who can I make up silly songs for like ……

“Thunder Thunder, your so loud,  Thunder Thunder POOM POOM POW, Thunder Thunder, please be quiet, thunder thunder, SHHHHH be silent.”

To balance along walls, push the shopping cart really fast and then surf it back to the car and laugh out loud, to share all that with and he will be gone. Disappeared, sucked in by school and spat out an adult and I am left , sitting on a swing with no excuse to be there, to swing up to the clouds, whooping in delight. I’ll have no excuse to cart surf to the car, or dance in the aisles to a song we like in the store, they would probably call security or the police and call my adult son to take me home.

I am not only seeing my kids move on in this world and becoming the awesome men  I know they will become, but I’m seeing my freedom to really be, silly old me diminishing and fading, withering and dying. What do I become? Who do I become? Do I have to go back to work full time EEKKK, Its hurtling faster than I care to  like towards me like a steam train, ready to smash me into tiny pieces. The problem is how do I put these pieces back together. My core, is silly, fun loving and childlike. Please do not tell me to be an adult, kids are just a fabulous excuse, never to be one and that is leaving me and bloody becoming one.

I cannot begin to share how much my heart hurts knowing I’ll have no more babies in my home, I love babies, toddlers, so fresh, untouched and excited by the world. Yet I am 41, I cannot have any more babies, that would be carnage to my mind and body. So, I just need to wait patiently for Grand babies and lots of them, I did not have 3 boys for nothing and I can whip out the silly grandma dance and song, Oh man I cannot wait.

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