Packed Panties, My Amazon Crime!

Yes people, today this 44 year old slummy mummy of three sunk to new lows!?!

Today, I bought a 3 pack panty set on Amazon; that’s knickers to you Brits. Just let the horror of this action sink in a little… Yes, I am a shameful human, the antonym of sexiness and desirability. But, am I?

As a female who was never blessed with womanly curves, or bountiful breasts, I actually never graduated out of the teenage section of Victoria Secrets. I was frequently mistaken for a boy until I turned 17 and finally discovered how to apply mascara. I also figured out how to dress my boyish frame, all legs and arms, broad shoulders and nothing much else. I am not sure I got the full shot of Estrogen at birth. I was a month early, maybe that bit came in month 9 who knows.

So, rather than seduction, femininity or prettiness, underwear has been functional all my life. A tool to make sure I didn’t soil my shorts, and a fighting chance at pretending I had boobs with padded bras and chicken fillets. I am a lowly 32A a 30B on really good day. I ask you what is the point of a lace bralette, if I cannot even get a bra to look good, as they sit poorly on my frame, dig into my ribs, they itch and hurt so much I end up throwing them off. Slowly over the years I gave up trying! I graduated to functional, basic, Calvin Klein cotton, multi pack hipster panties (does that make me a late 90s hipster?). They were the way forward. They did not itch, they do not make me sweat, they wash well and occasionally I can buy them in cool colors, they are cheaper and I mean who sees them these days. My husband, that is it! AND I am sure he would have divorced me by now, or bought me new underwear if he was remotely bothered.

Yes, I bought packed underwear from Amazon, the consumer beast. I should be ashamed, but I am not. When did underwear become a vessel to show off my body, when it is meant to hide the bits, no-one is allowed to see; as ruled by society. They are there to keep my clothes clean and support a chest that for most women would hurt without a good bra. They can look pretty and sexy or clean lined and functional, whatever you need. Years ago I decided no amount of lace or peep hole would improve the frame I have. I most certainly do not need any support. I actually think I look better naked, or with all my clothes on. The in between is most certainly not a good option.

Therefore, when my packed panties arrive, I will be happy. I will have some nice (the worlds most banal word) comfy (shit I said the word comfy, yup I am officially over 40), functional (my body is now treated like a machine not a seduction tool) and breathable cotton under crackers. Calvin Klein is synonymous to the late 90’s when I made that change, so I am a loyal follower.

Who knows, maybe, I’ll just extend commando Sundays to the rest of the week as I hit my 50s, what the heck.

Love a woman eagerly awaiting packed knickers / panties from Amazon!

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