social media – Entirely Unlike Tea

Why must we attack?

I would like to point out that I do not start this post from a place of anger or righteousness. Nor from an assumed higher stand point on race, religion, politics or whatever else people seem to beat each other up over, demean, belittle or try to persuade to change, using noise, anger and hate.

BASICALLY, THERE IS WAY TOO MUCH SHOUTING, not enough action and a bucket of ANGER. Everyone seems so volatile and they are turning on friends, groups, tribes, peoples feelings and thoughts. It seems at a time when we need to love harder than ever and join together, the lines are drawn, the boundaries are built and are getting taller by the day.

As, you may or may not know I am a bit of a social media voyeur, I mean I LOVE social media. I occasionally try to have an online opinion / voice, usually resulting in me getting severely burnt, crushed and then I vow never to do that again. Plus, I truly do not want to add any more fuel to the rabid fire of discord that is sweeping around us.

I scroll through Facebook over breakfast, and watch as individuals are publicly attacking each other on race views, LGBTQ opinions and thoughts, whether you love or hate Trump, whether you are red or blue, whether you are religious, not religious, believe in Coronavirus or think its a hoax. If I were to list my credentials that would potentially cause a online put down or hate fest, I would be :-

Race views – “black Lives matter”, yes I know all lives do matter, but as a white person I have never had to fight hard to be secure in the knowledge that my life matters. People of color do. Yes all lives are precious but we need to fight the point that black lives matter, to even begin to get their lives to the level of an “all lives matter” discussion. Does that make sense? Because, as a white person I know my life matters, and that has never been suppressed or disputed. Like EVER. I mean, can you imagine what it must feel like to not feel equal, just because of the amount of melanin your skin contains.

LGBTQ views – Just be you and be happy and if that means loving a boy, a girl, boys and girls. loving no one, changing sex, being fluid, being asexual. JUST BE YOU that is all. Everyone, should have the freedom to be what the fuck they want to be, no judgement. Period! I really do not understand why anyone would have a problem with it?

Politics – I cannot vote, and if I did, it probably would not be for Trump. Yet the economy before Coronavirus really has never been better. I have lots of Republican friends and lots of Democrat friends and to be honest it is OK to have an opinion and I will not try to change it by shouting. I am also not educated enough in that realm to really have a valid opinion or stand point. Yet, I agree, take the POTUS’s volatile Twitter account away.

Religion – Not religious, agnostic yes. Please do not try to change me, and I will not change you. But know this, I truly understand why you have a faith, that sense of belonging and security in thought, must be so grounding.

I believe in science, so I believe in Coronavirus and I will social distance, wear a mask and wash my hands.

OK if you need to release the boiling fire inside you, go-ahead you can use me to release it. I will listen and then walk away. As, I have always told my children, if you shout at people, no one will listen and or hit you. Yet, adults are still screaming at each other. WE NEED TO LISTEN, care for and then listen again to each other. We do not have to agree, but we need to respect views, listen some more and talk rationally.

WHY SO MUCH HATE? Is it from fear? I feel like the underlying commonality is terror, living in the unknown. We have a pandemic that does not abate (wear masks people). We have race movement that is generating change, giving voice and bringing us all up to the line to move forward as a whole, single body of people. Yet there is back lash, riots, bad elements that whip around all the greatness that is achieved, minimizing it and creating a discord, disharmony and chaos. People retreat and fall silent for fear of being attacked, verbally or physically and once again change is halted. We crawl back into our electronic holes of safety, desensitized to the life around us. Not accepting the movement that wants to propel us forward into the light, instead we allow ourselves to shiver in the dark, remaining terrified and angry. We surely cannot continue like this. SO please .

LISTEN to your neighbor, you do not have to agree.

LOVE your neighbor, even when they are ass holes.

LIKE your neighbor, see above

LIVE through kindness, as kindness is stronger that hate.

And if they shout at you, just simply walk away in silence. Because, a silent word is a powerful one.

Love Kelly “lets be chilled” Joy

Sometimes I just do not want to….

COPE.

As the Rona drags on people all over the world, either in lock down or social distancing at home are rapidly starting to fade. At first everyone was all gung ho, fighting in unison, fighting the good fight, the right fight. Joined in one goal, united to save the world, unnamed heroes for the weak, compromised and elderly.

We were strong and shiny, relishing in this new world of change and as they say “a change is as good as rest”?

However, time has creeped on and some poor souls are still navigating lock downs and the rest of us are social distancing. The shiny patina is cracking and the levels of distance are getting closer, as people become bored, tired, depressed and sloppy.

I hold my hands up, I may be one of them, letting the slide begin. My hands bleed from the amount of times I wash them and they hurt, I want them to stop hurting. The new life is now OLD, our resilience and stoic determination has turned into a secret longing to escape and break all the rules. The slide of darkness has begun and the depression and anxiety I fight so hard against, are digging their tiny little claws deeper and deeper into my skin and are beginning to break through to the bone.

I’m tired and the anxiety is knocking hard at my shell. Every day I fight off a little panic and then another panic waves over and my breathing gets short and I am convinced the virus has come to drag me to the nearest hospital. A mist settles, stubbornly at the periphery of my vision and I see the world through a haze. Nothing is clear and all is obscured. I want to run hard, to run far and hope I can out run my fear. I want to drink to ease the adrenaline, but my eating disorder will not allow it. Because, walking hand in hand with my anxiety is little Miss Anorexia and she can be very persuasive; albeit a very slow runner, as she does not eat enough. My tools are in place and my sanity understands the whirlpool I peer into, trying not to dip a toe in and get sucked into oblivion.

I need to get out, we need to escape. The world needs to be released, to conquer fears and viruses and figure this shit out. I am a shadow, sucked dry of trying to be fun, positive, creative, a good mum, a caring wife, a thoughtful friend. I want to be selfish, self centered and just walk out the door, not to come back for a day.

Sadly, the days will continue and I need to figure my crap out, look at it, accept it and see myself for who I am. Slightly damaged goods with a time well earned, super hero cape, that floats all glittery and shiny over my broken core. I know my life is not as bad as others and I am not sad. I am just trying to cope, the only way I know how and if that includes a 20 mile run, a eating disorder and a few panic attacks, that is mine to own and I will not apologise for being honest about it and showing it to you. It is my gift to you, to share, to reveal and to understand your feelings are yours and yours alone and no one else is allowed to minimize them and tell you they are irrelevant. They are yours, a gift of your strength and for you to release the burden, as this can lessen the pain. I am here to take that for you and relinquish it with mine.

I am exhausted. I am your friend, I am honest, I am raw, I will not apologize.

Signed

K. K,” so over being good” Joy

Kyle Krafft – Ultra Trailblazer the Endurance Entrepreneur

“The second you cross the finish line of a tough race, every memory you have, becomes positive”.

Don’t hold your self too accountable for failures, because, if you never fail, maybe your goals are just not high enough?” Kyle Krafft – 4.13.20

The moment Face Time flips up (we are in a social distance movement), Kyle greets me with his signature grin, warm and open, that he instantly puts me at ease. Chatting away, Kyle is truly as chilled as his “California dreaming” locks would suggest. Yet, beneath the natural, relaxed demeanor lies an undeniable force, steely grit and fierce intelligence, that cements his effervescence securely to the earth. Flighty he is not, adventurous and determined he certainly is.

So, who is Kyle Krafft? Well he is a 37 yr. old Ironman triathlete, ultra-runner and snowshoe racer (yes people that is a thing). He is a man who pushes boundaries, his own personal boundaries and then continues to force them further and further from his center, just to see how damn far they will go, before they rip apart. Maybe they never will?

Let’s stop for a second…

Before, I dig deep into what makes Kyle tick and discuss extensively his journey, I wanted to express that I did not really know Kyle before this interview. But after talking with him for the brief hour we had, he truly is one of the most well rounded, interesting, articulate individuals I have ever met. He thinks deeply and calculatedly to reach informed, albeit sometimes non-conforming plans to his life. Yet, he is by no means dull and is a true adventurer at heart. What I loved most about Kyle (that unlike many humans who like to push themselves physically and mentally to the brink) there is no obvious darkness simmering beneath his sunny disposition. Nothing to temper his lust for life or the aged earned wisdom in his eyes.

Where it all began…

Indiana born and raised Kyle played the usual contenders in sports, with only a single season on the high school cross country team and a toe dip into swimming. Let’s just say young Kyle was not one for conventionality, and they created an anxiety that worked against his innate yeaning to express himself freely when moving himself actively through space. Therefore, he rejected the ordinary and the high school tick sheet, instead replacing it with a passion for snowboarding and skateboarding. Both sports testing his limits and just how far he could push himself both physically and mentally – two elements that are the foundations of endurance sports, clearly a natural progression. Life moves forward and Kyle is now a fresh-faced Finance undergraduate from Indiana University, which is known for its innovation, creativity, and academic freedom. So, with that as his starting block, it is on a whim that he upped sticks and moved to California, a state that clearly sits well with his outlook on life.

California Bound

Where it all began! California! The state that has everything: ocean and mountains, beaches and big cities. Kyle now added surfing to his “alternative” sporting repertoire, and this is also the place where he started to run. He was coaxed out by his colleague in their lunch hour, taking a break from his financial job and working towards his Master’s in Business from UCLA, and off they went. Out to run a nice hilly course at 105F in Calabasas, CA. The match was struck, and the fire ignited a passion that started to build. Kyle explains to me that he compares running to whiskey, some people just don’t like it, however some folks love it. But if you don’t like it yet keep trying it, then the taste for it can be acquired. AND that is what he did, he just kept running, driving himself forward to eventually complete his first ½ marathon. AND the fire roared higher. Then he runs the LA marathon at age 26. From there and exactly like Forrest he just kept running. But now the Triathlon had seeped in, and Kyle completed his first Malibu Olympic Triathlon the same year as the marathon. “IT WAS AWFUL” Kyle exclaims, as he swam in tri shorts and forgot to use his asthma inhaler – gulp. Needless to say, it was a shock to the system. Yet, he still goes on to do 3 more Olympic Tris, and the stage was set, and IRONMAN came into the picture. “It’s all about being comfortable, with the uncomfortable,” he tells me, and Kyle’s achievements start stacking up.

3 x Malibu, California, Olympic Distance Triathlon.
IRONMAN Austin, Texas 70.3 (1.2-mile swim, 56-mile bike, 13.1-mile run)
IRONMAN 70.3 Vineman, California.
IRONMAN 70.3 Florida.
IRONMAN 70.3 Miami, Florida– “Terrible race” in Kyles own words.

Kyle was still self-trained and had now moved to Naples, not a choice he had made lightly. But, with extensive family in town, now an uncle and a life changing job offer, he decided it was a life change he could not refuse. So, he took the plunge and moved across the country (and down a bit) to start his life in Florida. Plus, whether Kyle would agree or not with the fact, but without that move to Florida, he most certainly would have not have been sitting in a bar in Key West, eight beers in, feeling sentimental (maybe a touch inebriated?) when he made the decision to pick up his phone and register for IRONMAN Lake Placid 2018 at age 35 – yup a FULL TRIATHLON. Oops (alcohol can be very helpful to lower the fear factor in these situations).

Well it must be time to get a coach.

After the awfulness that was the Miami half, it was time to get serious and finally get someone to help. So, after asking a few local athletes in Naples, Kyle found All Day Endurance and Aubrey Aldy. What he loved about Aubrey was his knowledge, he was well educated, an athlete himself and did not stroke egos. It was all business, and that generates results. Lake Placid went on to be an amazing race for Kyle and maybe the turning point for him to realize what he strives for and recognizing his strengths. Kyle is humble enough to admit he will never be the fastest in the pack, but if you stick to the plan and the training, you can execute efficiently and have a great race. It may be challenging, but you can be the smart runner, the gritty fighter, hitting your goals and then pushing higher. How far can this body go?

Endurance enters the scene, stage right.

Well with an Ironman under your belt and a self-appreciation for the fact you will not be speedy, long and slow is a natural progression. Kyle explains he enjoys the struggle, he thrives on hard runs, what pain teaches you about yourself and has started to dabble in the long run arena. With a couple of 50K races under his belt; with one being a win at the Everglades Ultra 2020. Now that was a perfect execution. He strives to do more. Kyle is strategic and he understands his body, he sees the value in recovery both physically and in maintaining a healthy balance mentally. Let’s also throw in some stretching, especially as he ages. I ask him why, and he says, “I JUST LOVE IT!” I love both the tri and the ultra, it is pure love for me, beyond a hobby. I love the feeling of accomplishment, but don’t hold yourself too accountable if you fail.”

I ask him why Ultra? He explains that he feels he is built for endurance, (his body sinks in the water, not the best trait for a triathlete) and that he can improve and potentially go great distances. Kyle is a self-proclaimed introverted extrovert; he thrives off the energy of others. And in Ultra running, albeit a solitary endeavor, its roots support an energetic, collaborative collective of bad asses, gnarly, fun loving, raise you up individuals, yup and Kyle slots in nicely. Every race is a pure celebration of what the body can do and the people who toe the line.

5-year plan in Endurance and Life

And he doesn’t stop there, Kyle has big plans and it is an eclectic mix, with an aim to run a 50 miler and potentially a 100 miler in the next year, both I know he will kill, if social distancing allows. Aspirations of a 200-mile gravel bike (Dirty Kanza 200 in Kansas) race, aim high to get into Western States. “Because if I can do it, I am obligated to put my body through that’, “The passion drives me and if I have a passion and a drive, I will always be the kid that never grows up”. Between you and I, that is a personal goal of mine too, because, when you stop seeing the world through childlike eyes, you miss the wonder and awe of living.

He aspires to continue his life switching between the ocean and the mountains, to work hard, train hard and play hard with a fearlessness and intensity that will surely excel in the ultra-world arena.

Whatever Kyle decides to do or what races he enters he will do with a drive, lust for life and calculated tenacity, and I truly am excited to see where he will go next. It may be a snowshoe race up a mountain in Colorado or a gravel bike race, California Tri (skateboard, surf and snowboard all in one day). It could be the Grand Traverse Ultra (40 – mile point to point race) in Crested Butte, or it could be another IRONMAN, who knows. But, know this he will train hard and he will finish, and he will thrive. Because Kyle Krafft, endurance athlete is a true contender.

MORE Kyle Krafft stats

-Favorite sneakers – Road – Hoka Carbon X, Trail – Hoka EVO Speedgoats

-Fuel – First Endurance – EFS and Gu gels.

-Trademark – A big smile and a California vibe.

-Inspirational figures – His Father, who is ambitious, active and always striving to be more. In racing the person just in front.

-Things most people do not know about him – He has an inner green thumb and a love to grow nature. He also summons up memories of his old dog, Abidog, when a race gets hard. Because, that pain is nothing compared with the ache of losing her and the race will be dedicated to her, to power through.

-Special power – Unbreakable positive spirit.

-Furthest run – 50K.

– Longest Tri – Full IRONMAN.

-Weirdest Race – Aspen Snowshoe race

Shadow Runner

The darkness is my running partner, more so now I am forced to be solitary in my stride. I do not hate it, I am very comfortable with my company, we laugh at the same jokes and run at the same pace, so it is perfection. However, it is not unusual for me to run in the unlight of the morn! I am a mother of three small boys and I need to get up and run before the kids open their sleep crusted eyelids and stretch their gangly arms towards dawns first light.

It is my ritual, it is my thing and I adore every dusky edged moment of it. As I steal through the house at 4.30 am, silently yanking on shorts, sports bra, socks, wrist band, hair band, headlamp, HR monitor and FINALLY the “piste de resistance”, my sneakers. To aid in my stealth I lay them all out the night before, clean, in order, ready! I double check what run I have and then choose the run sneaker to match, comfy Saucony ISO 2, 4mm drop for steady and easy, Saucony Kinvara, 4 mm drop , for tempo or intervals and then my Saucony type A9, 4mm for the track or a race. By the way I like Saucony incase you were not sure, well better then that, my feet and ankles really like them.

Faced scrubbed, coffee chugged, “bathroom”, teeth brushed, bed hair clipped back, I grab my hand held bottle and steal out into the gloom.

Stepping into the sepia of a fading night, the blackness and humidity envelopes my already sweating body (I am a Florida flatlander), shielding me from danger. The dim beam of my lamp fights its way through the night, scrabbling to light a safe path for my pounding feet, rhythmic body flow and steady breath as I strike out in time to the beating crickets and hiss of sprinklers.

A hushed calm floats over me, shushing jangled nerves and a busy mind in to silence. Foot plants, arm swings, breath rushes, foot plants, arm swings, breath rushes, again and again, over and over, my morning meditation propelling me deeper and deeper into the waking morning. A grey light starts to warm the sky, subtle reds, pinks, oranges and gold start to paint the sky, the tips of trees and roofs of a slumbering world.

Feet are still ticking over, perspiration running in rivulets down my back, across my face, I rub it out of my eyes, breath rushes in breath rushes out. Birds get busy, softly chirping with the breaking sky as it brightens. The moon softly, slides across the horizon to hide behind a cloud, the birds noise builds and builds, a mounting crescendo of song. Whipping around me, pushing me, driving me like a spectre from the confines of the night in to the day. Losing the phantom, joining my flesh and bone body.

Arms swing forward, arms drive back, chasing the night as she slips away. Shadows are sucked out from the base of trees and stretch to the soaring sun. She climbs higher and higher, the birds oh the birds are so loud, I run faster and faster, heart pounding as each mile passes, like a vampire I yearn for the night, sprinting home. Strike, swing, breath, the momentum, the motion is now a blur, I am almost there, muscles screaming for oxygen, but there is nothing left, depleted, spent. The front door looms, I slow, I stop, head hanging like a weeping willow tree, bowing humbly to the sunrise, my sweat glistens in its newborn glow. I lie down, hair plastered across my brow, the twilight is gone and I am stranded. Left to recover on the concrete, dragging air in and forcing it out, slowing my heart, relishing the stillness, the mild ache of my body as it rests from the pain.

I am still, I am awake, I am a shadow, I am a runner.

Minutes pass, I ease myself up off the warming side walk, drag in a slug of water and open the door, ready to hit the fray of my day.

I close it quietly and begin.

Love, Shadow runner.

Loss – Balance – Life

“Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery.” – A Brave New World, By Aldous Huxley

So much has been written about COVID 19. Extensive reporting, every blog, dick and Harry is about it. – Oh, in case you were terrified I am going off topic here oh don’t be silly. I’m all over this supposed disaster like Rona’s twin virus, clearing up the excess in healthy bodies.

New World

The Pandemic has pushed us in to a space of uncertainty and it is a hard place to navigate.

We have had to face extensive change, restrictions, enforced restrictions. The ease of life has been reduced and we as mere Homo Sapiens can get fixated on how my life ISNT rather than what it has become. I have written a few posts on the hilarity of loss and change and so have millions of others.

THE GOOD that grows from nothingness.

However, I do want to talk about the “good” we have achieved, but from the perspective of myself as a lowly human bean (Love the BFG), at home with her 3 children, nutjob cat who thinks he is a dog and a hard working but highly amusing husband.

Believe me, when I say, this is a narrow focus. Hummm, should take like 2 minutes, so I am sure you are about to pee your pants in excitement with bated breath.

TIME

This is the single most important gift that the pandemic has bequeathed to me. Life has sloooweeedd right down and I am grateful. I am not longer living at top speed, where my world is a blur and the details are lost. Instead I have stalled, and my surroundings are crystal sharp, in focus, the SD is now HD and my eyes hurt from the clarity they now must process. Life halted and nature came back in to view as my eyes grazed up from the floor, past my phone and looked out to all that is around. Oh, and I picked up a book again and started to read.

On a very personal level, time has hit back against the restless energy that possesses my every waking moment. It drives me to perpetually keep moving, but now I am forced to be still. This works against every fiber of my being. But who said therapy was easy? I am always running (literally) from myself, the demons planted there at a very young age, by an unknown assailant. The self-hatred and fears, they crept in and now reside in every cell, festering. Memories locked in my secret “brain never remember that again compartment”. It’s a dark and bleak world in there, lost but not really forgotten. Time, the pandemic, the “lock me up”, has allowed me to watch these youth formulated self-perceptions, unwanted memories and start to accept them. Allowing the light to start trickling in, illuminating the snuff dark of a disillusioned child.

SINGLE UNIT in motion

Time has enabled me to cease the intense screaming that is required to get the kids to school. There is no rush, flurry or elevated stress levels. With “crisis” school as I have now called it, because, I am certainly not homeschooling at any level of intelligence or knowledge. We are now able to wake, eat, dress, brush teeth, sit and LOG ON in a mere 60 minutes. We are learning to work together as a family. All of us are solitary but are learning to be together, a single unit. Moving forward in masse and between us we are less frequently looking back at what it once was, but accepting instead the what it has now become.

BALANCE

In life we need balance, it is an intrinsic part of our being. There has not been balance in the world for a very long time. We scrabble at home to create equilibrium, with yoga, meditation, time alone, limited screen time, but life gets in the way. We are urged to be better, work longer, faster, keep up with all that is thrown at us and if we cannot keep up we have failed, we are unwanted.

Yet, Coronavirus is bringing back that balance, in its weird body humbling way. It is reminding us we are not invincible and that our life was skewed. The world is heavy with, people, industry, war, hate, dictatorship, greed, it is dragging us down and squishing our hopeful faces into the mud and standing on them. Equilibrium has to be restored, stitched back into the fabric of our day. Coronavirus is leveling the playing field, stripping off the weight and enabling us to all see we are equal, and no one is exempt from its infiltration and grip. Everything has its direct opposite and without it, the light will feel dark, the good becomes evil, the left will become right, and the action will also become a reaction, never ending in its totality. A circle will never become whole, but always an eternal straight line, leading us in a never ending, forward motion, full speed, no time to complete the cycle and sit back to reflect – EXHAUSTING, Fucking Exhausting.

REMEMBER

We are all sitting in that same boat (all be it, 6 ft. apart) floating in an unknown sea of uncertainty, alone, solitary but united.

Re learning to collaborate, harvest empathy, see again the beauty of mother earth and being given a moment to breathe again. w

We are being released from the suffocation of our excesses. Which means she (earth) too can breathe again and begin to nurture her inhabitants in their time of need.

The virus has smashed our technological cocoon and exposed us to the rawness of our internal crux and basic needs. Because, that is what we are, basic! With all our intelligence (with some people I do beg to differ on this point) our sophistication, our needs are still basic, so very basic. When the world is stripped back, all we need to survive, is food, water, air to breathe, sunlight, a home, income to support the essentials, the ability to feel, cherish the rain on you skin and the sun on your back, smell the earth, lie down in the grass with a breeze fluttering across our face. That is life! That is what we are having to remember! It is not about how many toilet rolls you own. That is what the pandemic is revealing, in small tiny fragments. Generating hope for a future we can be proud of, that we can thrive in and a world we are happy to die in. Eventually, giving back our bodies to nurture a future generation of hope.

And that my friends, is what the pandemic has given me, I have little fear, only hope we will and can do better.

I would like to sign off with another quote from a Brave New World – as so apt and seriously one of my favorite books.

“I ate civilization. It poisoned me; I was defiled. And then,” he added in a lower tone, “I ate my own wickedness.” ― Aldous Huxley

Peace out and now in the words of Samuel L Jackson

“Stay the Fuck at Home!”

Love Kelly

Grocery Washing Vs Grocery Cattle Run

The COVID CHRONICLES – from a deranged mother of 3. – everyone is at it.

Holy Macaroly (see mum I am trying to reign in my profanities) grocery shopping just became (thanks to our friendly little Corona Light beer virus) a little more hellish! Now please correct me if I am wrong?

Although, when I seriously think about it, nothing physically or mentally annihilates a person, like pushing a cart, carrying enough food to feed a small British village, while having to navigate groups of bored gossipers and precarious displays of tiny glass herb bottles, that clutter every aisle. Now mix in the fact I have to also lion tame three boy dragons, as they roar up and down the shiny, bright corridors of food, whooping like cowboys chasing whatever they dream up. Those damn lights jack them up every time, like moths to a flame.. AHHHHHH see the lights, see the pretty lights mummy, bam bam bam and off they shoot, diving head first in to a kaleidoscope of chip packets, whirling like demented spinning tops.

With my head down, I chase them, pushing my “baby elephant” sized cart, which is vomiting food all over the floor. Whipping around the corner at full throttle I finally land at the check out, red faced, gasping and trying not to head butt the handle of the cart. It is at this precise moment, when I can see the gaping door of freedom, that the dragons all decide to kick the crap out of each other. At the precise moment I am trying to pay.

I stand there like a dummy, fake smiling so hard at the cashier my jaw hurts. I glare at the three mini Tysons, with a look I hope is drilling in to their brains and shouting silently at those baby brain synapses JUST YOU BLOODY WAIT UNTIL I GET YOU IN CAR , you little gits.

Let me just caveat, I have serendipitously avoided the “said” above scenario for almost 2 years, thanks to the advent of “home delivery” and “pick up” grocery shopping. I am now unashamedly in bed, naked with Costco, Amazon and Publix, drinking a cup of Starbucks just to seal the deal. Those inflated prices, driver tips and delivery fees, are worth every penny, well dollar, well maybe about $30 extra. I don’t care, it saves the few brain cells I still posses in my advancing years and to be honest those herb displays.

NOW, Rona (COVID 19) has turned up to the party and she has decided to lick everyone and everything she can find. Depositing those nasty little cough bugs and chest squeezing droplets everywhere, this is royally, screwing up my home delivery system. Firstly, I cannot buy my favorites – OUT OF STOCK, Rona nabbed it. Next let me find a delivery date – NO SLOTS AVAILABLE FOR LIKE FOREVER , damn it Rona took it, that greedy cow and then obviously licked it. Now if by some weird chance I do get a delivery in like ummmm 25 goddam days, Rona must have caught “the rona” , and now we enter into a whole other performance.

Here we go……..

1) Delivery driver turns up, with wildly reduced order, Greedy Rona stole it.

2) I stand 6ft back, a terrified lunatic and feel so terrible that I do not help unpack. Instead I watch like a wide eyed lemming, as some brave person (probably licked all over by sweet Rona) has to lug my delivery to my front door and deposit it there.

3) Stranded at the front door I just look and stare. UMMMMMM what do I do now? Surely Rona has been salivating and gyrating all over that, leaving a trillion little virus particles to lurk in amongst the eggs (gold dust food) and cereal packets. All ready to get me, strike me down and pull out my lungs, so she can stamp all over them…

Thwack, thwack on go the gloves, slup, slup off come the gloves, I should just wash my hands. Bleach solution out, cloths as long as my body piled up and a clean basket by my side. I sit on the door step. HUMPH

Squirt – goes the spray

Leave – it a minute or 2

Rub – rub again (secretly panic I have COVID 19 all over my hands – run to wash hands)

In the clean box you go, Rona free food (I hope)

Repeat

No licking allowed people.

60 MINUTES LATER……

I have finished. My hands are sore, bleeding at the knuckles, like a skinny member of “Married to the Mob” and then I start on bleaching the door handles and floor, AGAIN!

So, my thought is! Which is worse? Chasing down my kids in the store like a lunatic or cleaning groceries outside in 85F heat, wearing a pinny like an complete lunatic.

I truly cannot decide.

Thanks Rona

Yours bleeding, Kelly the paranoid android.

Coronavirus Skills

With the unfolding doom swirling around us, as the universe locks up shop and secretly sinks into an oblivion of nothingness. As we start descending in to a dank basement of darkness and gloom, a blinding light breaks through and shatters the night…. The glare of super social media stands strong, as our hero of the piece.

The World Wide Web has exploded. We are now pleasantly subjected to the talents of enthusiastic, slightly out of shape, gin drinking, gorgeously, gyrating mothers in leotards singing “I will survive”. We have been delighted by serenading Italians on their balconies (sadly I am not that talented). There are muffin topped, naked stoners, swinging their dicks in time to a pendulum and not one hair from that saggy scrotum is flashed, as they “expertly” keep in time to the pendulum. All the while, continuously smoking and seriously not a single one of those curly pubes are displayed. WOW, I bow down to his genius!?! Gulp maybe not, that is closer than 6ft and I will then be eye level with a pair of aging, drooping ball bags; I salute you sir I salute you. The stream of videos is endless… We have the, run around the house naked video – POST! Teach fractions with large glasses of wine (loved) video – POST! Juggle small cats video POST! Exploding brain cells BOOM BOOM BOOM video – POST! ARGGHHHH INSANITY VIDEO, POST POST POST! Lets just lay ourselves down in front of the camera and completely lose our shit video… POST the goddam life out of it people. Keep going people, keep at it ALWAYS, because the struggle is real and we are with you on this ride.

Having said all that, I am completely, utterly and deeply in love with the raw exposed talent of all of this. No one gives a crap. It is all, “here I am”, see me jack around and I hope I can make you laugh. I have officially, cracked up, lay on the floor dying with side hurting laughter so much in the last 2 weeks, that I secretly love Corona (light beer) virus for the gifts it just keeps giving, aside from a persisitent cough, potential lung destruction and a small side plate of death.

I am also in awe of the radically new, totally unhelpful skills I too am learning. From staying indoors for what seems like an eternity, dudes I have gained serious SKILLZ and yes the Z means these are awesome. Let me list them and I am sure you will be impressed with my new found prowess across a wealth of topics.

1) Washing hands like a surgeon – man I have that hands up, elbow action down, like seriously down, maybe a video, why the hell not – POST.

2) Opening doors with my feet, yes I can lift my leg that high, impressed? You should be, I am nearly 43 years old. I am practically a grandma (eeekkk and in the high risk category)

3) Making a bleach solution and the ability to speed clean my groceries with said homemade bleach solution in 3 minutes. Just call me Americas top Ninja warrior.

4) I have re learnt the art of the flax egg, you egg hoarders will not destroy my baking, you will not destroy my ability to eat CAKE. We must eat cake.

5) The ability to make dinner from quinoa, my last egg (damn you hoarders) and dead looking veg (truly it was entering the annihilated, limp, manky, death stage) – TA DAAAAAA – Chinese stir fry ala the Rona. No one died eating it, so score on that front.

6) I can do a headstand for a long time, legs straight up and everything – OOHH VIDEO opportunity right there. POST – If naked, I am sure I’ll get at least 5 likes.

7) I can shout really loudly above the “taking off jumbo jet” din of 3 boys trying to kill each other with plastic Lightsabers. Believe me that is loud, like immense.

There are also a million and one completely mind numbing, un-useful skills I can add. Like expert timewasting, plucking my eyebrows for almost 30 minutes, staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes and thinking of nothing. Cleaning door handles everyday, not folding washing and making copious amounts of grill cheese sandwiches; we always have bread and cheese.

I know you are jealous, I am so cool, NOT!! Shit, I may even start dressing up and wearing makeup. So, on that sad note I’ll go back online and indulge in all those other caged, wildly talented folk. I particularly enjoy dancing, gin drinking, lycra clad videos, surely there is a site for that? (PS for you locked up men, the Pornhub is now free for quarantine, you are welcome.)

Please please Send me your SKILLZ (clean) with a Z and make me laugh, or seriously I may just cry when I have run out of eyebrows to pluck.

No one is going to save you Kelly, remember that.

Signed

My name is Kelly and I am addicted to 1980s, lycra injected social media.