Tag Archives: #Idea

To write – Poem

Weirdly or maybe not so much, poems pop in my head and I write them down. This appeared in the shower today and here it is…

TO WRITE – by KKJOY

When I write, I lose the fight of hiding from myself,

When I write I stand in sight and the façade melts away.

RAW, BARE, EXPOSED,

Watching, alone, my breathing slows.

No one is listening, as no one dares,

As to be real, is to feel, is to care.

Screaming silently to nothing……

But myself. Healing, revealing, everything.

Too harsh a light for some to see,

The reality that is me.

Beautiful, ugly, perfect, ravaged,

Sane, insane, serene, savage.

Yet, when I write, I lose my fight of hiding from myself.

Because, when I write, I stand in sight, façade destroyed to stand true.

Darkest little secret….

WOW that sounds sinister?! Why do secrets languish in the shadows of guilt. Why is it wrong to admit the truth to something that is deemed against the norm? Am I scaring you yet? Pssttt, I am not a killer, sorry that would have been exciting gossip for the parents at the school gate? No, I do not have a favorite child, well to be honest that actually changes on a daily basis. Hey and before you mount your towering horse of parenting judgement, I love them equally, but for their differences and quirks. One cannot quantify love, it cannot be seen or held, only felt and how can one measure a feeling. Well I cannot. Good for you if you can.

Lets get it out there…

I Kelly Joy, GULP, sometimes wish I had a illness so great, that I am bed ridden for a few days. Enabling me to get off the whirlwind that is modern life. Hey and before we go all batshit crazy on this, I do not mean cancer or some other terrible heartache many humans have to navigate, just a nice dose of “friendly virus”. It can be uncomfortable and hurt, so it allows me to have a perfect excuse, just to not to get up. I can hide under those dark, deep covers of sanity. Away from the family chores, the cleaning, the responsibility of my children, my work, the bills, the scheduling, the driving. All the things I can never get to, that compound on my shoulders, weighing me down. My fight to push myself to a sub 3 HR marathon, balancing work, running and family, trying to cook a nutritious home cooked meal, bake cakes, organize birthday parties, vacations, getting to each of my children and giving them what they need at any given moment, to fight aging and look attractive against the sea of under 40 parents, the fear my husband may leave me for a younger model. Be put together and calm, follow social rules, think of others before myself, a good friend, a kind person, give back, organize Christmas, keep in touch with family abroad… ARRGGGHHHH I Just cannot keep my fucking head above the water line. I almost drown daily and thank god I am a pretty good swimmer, as I have always swam against the tide.

Can you believe, I curl up and cry and hide, SHOCKER? Sometimes I wish for a dose of friendly flu, so I can avoid and hide and sleep, I just want to sleep all bloody day and not empty the dishwasher for the 10 millionth time or listen to my kids kick the shit out of each other, not cook dinner, fold washing …. just sleeeep. Crazy huh?

Before you go all preachy and worried. No I am not depressed, never have been, I love life, I love adventures, I love my boys. My anxiety is gone, so have my panic attacks (thanks to my 40 miles a week of running), my anorexia is managed, I have great friends, an awesome husband, but life is messy and busy and cluttered and sometimes I want it all to stop for 24HRS. Like the Thanos SNAP and then we go back and start again, clean slate, tidy life, to go forth and mess it the fuck up again, as that is what life is, a long messy transition from birth to death. With so much love, living and being thrown in between.

Dirty little secret it may be? I am sure people will think I need help, or am nuts, or not coping, but who the fuck does not need help, is normal ( I hate that word) and is coping, no one I know on the inside. Why should it be a secret, why can we not share and care, love and help, laugh and cry together over this tectonic ride we are on, forever moving and changing.

I will always feel every moment, I will cry hard and laugh loudly, enjoy the good, balance along walls, cartwheel in the grass, sing to my favorite song, love with all my might and not apologize for my honesty. But I will be honest and not be perfect and a pain in the ass, a bee in your ear, revealing all I am and reflecting all you will not share and with that I am giving you permission to reveal, break down, join my party in life and that is my gift to you. I give you my dirty secret and honesty, so you can be you and release and know I am way crazier and needy than you will ever be. Don’t mind if I do.

You are so very welcome.

KKJ

Flu, have an opinion?

With the current flu pandemic effecting most states, the topic of vaccinations and children, once again raises its head.

Whether you do or do not, get a trained medical professional to stick a needle into your kids arm or thigh and administer a clear (potentially life saving) liquid into your child’s tiny little body, that is your right to do so.  I have many friends who do not vaccinate and I have many friends who do.

It’s such a personal choice and we may not agree on each others choices, but its ours, we have to remember that. I vaccinate, my personal belief that, way over the idea of metals being placed in my kids bodies and the potential side effects, I would rather that, than them, getting flu or polio or some other eradicated, previously life threatening disease. You can tell me I am dumb or pour out some spiel from some study, by some person. But I will never not vaccinate, like I could never convince someone to vaccinate who has chosen not to. The fallacy or reality (as remember it has not ever been really proven) that they can cause autism is a chance I will (repeatedly) take if it saves my kids life and the life of a sick child or a child too young to be vaccinated. My eldest, which is common knowledge, has high functioning Autism. Was it his shots at birth that caused this, who the hell knows? Is it genetic, or the way he was born, we will never know? But, I feel he has a far better chance to best the odds if he ever gets sick, which currently he has not. He is brilliant and healthy.

The thing is I will vaccinate and take the supposed risks, as I believe there are far worse threats to my kids life, food dyes in food (banned in Europe) as its proven they cause hyperactivity and cancer. I will never ever let my kids drink a Gatorade, Froot loops, MnM’s – again my choice, my belief, my opinion, good or bad. My kids will always wear a bike helmet when they cycle, I avoid hard candy (coloring’s and choking threats) and the list continues.

We all do what is best for our children and we may never agree, but we must respect, I will always love a person for their hearts and kindness. You may believe in God, I believe in science. You may like Trump, I do not. You believe in the right to own a gun, I never will. I love you and and I may never agree with you, but I value your ideas and thoughts. As long as you are not a racist, chauvinist, a bigot or narcissist, I will always sit and wait for your side, your thought out idea and the argument for or against. I hope people can always do this and not be blinkered to shut down and push out friends for having opposing beliefs. It makes us unique. Listening, not accusing or shouting creates community and understanding, respect and kindness. I will always like/love a friend if they just have the ability to listen and not bombard, accuse or demean a thought or another person.

We all do our best by our children and our fear and love for them is what drives us to keep them happy, loved, well and safe. For me that is one thing and that includes a shot to the arm every year from Flu, to you that is not, to me that is science at its best, to you that is a money making machine. We will always beg to differ.

Beauty

Truly is in the eye of the beholder. We surely do not behold the beauty in ourselves, externally or internally. Women suck at liking themselves.

This evening I sat with 3 girlfriends, all unique, all beautiful in completely different ways and none of them could see it. Gorgeous smiles , kind hearts, rocking bodies, complete sexy packages and not one of them could see it and accept their awesomeness. What creates this self doubt and internal blindness. Society? Men? Religion? Other women? Who said beauty had to look a certain way? What makes that way beautiful ? I want to know? I want to see this perfection! Where is it? Who has it? All of us do? But none of us believe it see .,

It breaks my heart. That so much delight, is not beheld or loved by the person who owns it.

Why? and when will we find it? Secretly in our rooms when no one is watching? After taking 300 selfies to get the perfect shot, we’ve all done it?

Or never?

Or maybe?

But we need to see ourselves for what we are, The great, gross, beauty, banality of our being, accept, appreciate, not always love, but realize it is what makes us unique, one of a kind and no one else has this. It’s special and crazily wonderful.

For Cat ❤️

Favorite dirty secret.

I’ll just throw it out there. We may all lie to ourselves and to every human we meet, but deep down in the depths of our hearts , we all know we share a guilty secret. A secret that can never be voiced, a dirty lie we repeat over and over again, hoping that someday the truth will just Rest In Peace in the recess of our soul. But, it will always be there at the edge prodding you, reminding you, I’ll say it quickly and quietly, “we all have a favorite child” … gulp , shit, did I say that out loud, but hey, there, I said it . STRIKE ME DOWN and don’t fucking deny it, we all have that kid that is truly part of you, who gets you, wants to be with you, loves you like no other, who resonates with every ounce of your body, it’s like they are the other half of what you could have, should have been, a far better you, they took the best of you and made it amazing in their own wonderful bodies.

Of course we all love our kids equally but differently and would split the world apart to keep them safe, happy and nourished, but there is that one who is a little cuter than the rest… now be honest !

I dare you to deny it, we all know in our families who has been the favorite, it’s the adult you connected with the most. I adore my parents but I truly connected with my nanny, my mums mum and yes I’ll just say it, I was her favorite, we were similar and familiar to each other and a part of me is forever missing now she has left this world. 

Love is so present, but it changes, the love of my husband, K1/2/3, damn cat, friends and my family. It morphs and moulds to the feeling and connection you have with these people and YES we have favorites and I’ll never truly trust anyone who says otherwise .

Bloody liars .. 

Query of the religious kind

My fascination of the functionality of religion and religious odyssey continues. As I continue to challenge my idea of worship vs mainstream religion, questions continue to be raised in my frenzlicious mind of thought.

It all centers on kindness for me. For the world to survive and continue, one needs to be kind, loving and helpful towards others. To see a fellow human being struggling and in pain and then to try to ease it, share the burden, lighten the load.

I believe I am a kind person, I know I am an empathetic and sensitive person, I can feel and see another persons mental state quite easily and therefore if it feels off center, I am compelled to aid their plight or ease their suffering. Often I hear the phrase, thank God for you being there or I thank God for my good fortune, thank the lord for giving me this gift ……. fill in here whatever you need. People feel compelled to thank God for all that is wonderful and it happens every day.

But my question is, why do we have to thank god for another persons kindness, or a gift you have? I come from the UK where pretty much if you go to church, you are seen as an oddity, against the norm and if you go all the time, maybe a little weird. In England, I would say 75% of people do not go to church, unless it is a wedding, christening or funeral. Churches are shutting down, not being built, due to a lack of attendance and funding. I personally do not believe in a god a higher power yes and do not thank him or that for my kindness, gifts or someones good actions towards me, I thank them, I thank myself for my strength or talents, they are mine not a entity whom I cannot see, touch or speak with face to face. Someone I have never ever seen or met. I am told what he looks like, is he a he? He could be a she, a goat, an elephant, a ball of energy or a manifestation of our energies combined, he could be planted in our subconsciousness by an alien life form. You do not know. We will never know. I mean we live on a planet, in a tiny galaxy surrounded by a dark matter we cannot see… We actually know nothing.

What I do want to know is? If I do a good deed for you, but I do not believe in god, am I still destined for hell and I must be saved? Even though I am a good and kind person? I do not cheat or steal or lie (too much :)) or hurt others mentally or physically, I do not kill, then why do I need to believe in a “something” to be worthy of the owner of the humanity and benevolence I readily give to others? It is not Gods to give, it is mine. Why is Lord above the owner of our greatness and altruism and then we must take the blame for the evil we can bestow upon our race? If we have to keep the evil, please lets us have the balance of good, it does not belong to God or Jesus or the church, but it is our property, the lowly flawed human.

Surely, to make our way through the pearly gates of heaven, we have to be “good” so we need to take ownership of that and if we choose to give this to an entity of worship, then it is our choice to give it. Not his, theirs or any one else for that matter.

 

Thunder

When Kid 3 (age 2.5 years) is terrified of thunder and you live in the lightening capitol of America – you make up songs, to ease his fears and tears.

Thunder, thunder you’re so loud, 

Thunder, thunder Pom Pom Pow. (this is how he describes the noise of thunder) 

Thunder, thunder shhhh be quiet,

Thunder, thunder please be silent….

Use at will… –  you are welcome 🙂

 

 

Cusp, discovery.

My articulation of the following matters will no doubt be poor. I am an Aries, I do things fast, I like to get from A-B the easiest and quickest way possible and if that means corners are cut, then that is my unwanted dead stock. My education was science and sport focused, I was good at them so I stuck to them. Hence, forming prose and ideas on paper (screen) come freely from within, but will rarely be grammatically correct or presented as eloquently as people who ACTUALLY can write.

I write for therapy, I write to share. I write to tell people that it is OK to share the shit as well as the good that weaves through our existence. I never want sympathy, I do not need it, I know who I am and I know what is unique about the way my brain processes and the way I feel and I feel a hell of a lot. Sometimes when this emotion is so strong I can feel it physically. At my lowest this once has made me hallucinate (sadly this was not drug induced).

What is great is that I have pretty much been anxiety free for 8 weeks. Things are brighter, life is clearer, I can love readily. I have reduced the pressures of my day, I have continued to exercise, I write, I am baking more and forcing myself to sit very still and watch my children play. I have cracked open my Tarot cards and started to feel them again, channeling my thoughts through imagery and a realm beyond. I FEEL CALM… Its a very novel and beautiful thing for me.

From all of this, I have started to question religion again, the meaning of my life, the grand old question, why the fuck am I here? Clearly not just to swim, bake, parent and drink coffee.

My whole life I have felt like I live on the edge of a great discovery of self. As a what am I here to give? I know I am here to help others and to give myself to nurture and love, but its more than that. As a kid I used to think I was a fairy, I used to sit at the end of our garden, under the brambles and search out my fairy family. I have tried to talk to dead relatives, but I was never sure I could really do it. I can feel and see an energy, people glow to me, I know who I can trust by a light that people have. I can feel emotions from others and some people do feel dark and it is those I cannot be near or spend time with. The upshot is, I am fascinated with religion, but my brain is steeped with science fact. So, I have read a lot recently, trying to formulate my beliefs or not.

The thing is I do not believe in one god – I do believe in a greater energy (if you want to call that god,so be it)

I do not believe that Jesus fed the 5000 or could walk on water (that would make him a wicca, no?) – yet I believe a good man walked our earth and helped others.

I do not believe in Adam and Eve – I do believe in the evolution of the earth, mind, body and soul.

I do not believe in a Heaven, Hell or Valhalla, but I do believe in reincarnation and a energy transference.

I believe that the earth is our creator who needs our love and protection.

It is an interesting learning curve, I am reading about many gods and traditions and religious roots in Paganism, which is currently where I am sitting and I am just discovering Pantheism, these both recognize all that is divine, worship nature and recognize the feminist face of the divinity.

A definition of Paganism: A polytheistic or pantheistic nature-worshiping religion

A definition of Pantheism
1. A doctrine that equates God with the forces and laws of nature.
2. The worship of all gods of different religions, cults or peoples
indifferently, also tolerance of such worship

I have also become obsessed with the novel “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. Which encompasses all gods and goddesses from a variety of religions and presents them as a single group  all respecting, but either working for or against the other.

I understand the need for religion, the need for faith and love, a sense of unity and a place to sit with like minded people, to create community, to give a focus to our meaning and a person with whom we can talk to at any time of the day.

However I do not understand, the violence, the nonacceptance of another persons point of view, another individuals needs, hopes and fears. I am not Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Jehovah, Wicca or a Buddhist. Yet I have friends who are. I may not always agree with what they say or what they believe, but I love them for their strength to place their belief in something or someone, which I have not yet done or will do any time soon.

I float way below the divine, lost, but not lost, searching for that light, love and revelation. I am most at one with life under the water in silence or standing on top of a mountain, arms spread wide with the wind in my face, biting my skin, the sun warming my bones. The world below me, majestic, breathtaking, light, volatile, unpredictable, DIVINE.

Nature is my god, goddess and savior,the elements my angels and guides, humans are the dark forces to bring to the light, to see, to understand what we have been given and must protect.

I am still no clearer, but calmer, I am to read more, learn more and one hopes, relatively anxiety free.

 

 

 

 

No Idea – Blog Virgin

Not sure what I am doing? All I know is I have a brain full of noise and thoughts and crazies and stuff and no where to off load. I have been told to write, I have been told I am funny, I have been told I am honest. Slight flaw to the master plan, I am not so great at the English Language. I have friends awesome at English and I am so very sure they will cringe at this, don’t cringe just correct and mold me into something better,  please…

I have written a kids book, I like it, my friends and family like it, but does that mean its good? Has this Brit residing in the USA, finally been sucked in to the American dream notion. I have a grand idea to see my book printed, illustrated and on Amazon. Although it doesn’t necessarily mean some person will buy my damn dream. So lets see. First place to start they say is”with a blog”

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