And not of the meth variety…. Although maybe in my 90s I may give it a go for shits and giggles, going to die anyhow.

Crystal is actually the symbol of our 15th anniversary, chink, chink, I need some new wine glasses, as I am notoriously, well ridiculously clumsy. Modern day is a watch, so I am secretly gunning for a man’s vintage Rolex to appear on my wrist, but apparently I have spent that money on a running machine and that has a clock on it, which I can use – oh well, always worth a shot.

May 21st, 2005, dressed in a deep pink, short, 20’s inspired dress, I said “I do” in the Chelsea Old town hall on the Kings road, yes the same place Mick Jagger got married to Bianca. The man who crazily wanted to put a ring on my large knuckled fingers was Kieron Joy.

To this day he truly amazes me, first up, the fact he took the brave step to take me on. On our fourth date I think it was, I sat down across from him in a pub in Balham, London, UK and said, “Well you need to know, I am anorexic, I have anxiety, I take Prozac and have been told I probably cannot have children because of my eating disorder, so you can run away now.” He sat there and stayed, he looked at me and said, “I think I love you even more, and if we cannot have children we can have awesome ski holidays”. Gulp, I totally thought he would make for the hills, giving me the double fingered salute and a “See ya, you crazy bitch.”

No, Kieron Joy sat very still, took a sip of his beer and stayed.

Why? I still ask that often, I am not always a steady ship and my path is like the ocean, calm some days and stormy the next, but I am honest, care with all my heart and love so hard it hurts. So when I say I love you, I mean it and it is unwavering. But he stays and is truly the steadfast, mighty mountain to my flighty bird.

Fifteen years and we are crystal, it truly reflects us as over the years, we are transparent to each other, no muddy waters. Yes we argue, fight, disagree, but we laugh hard and often. We listen, we love to be outside and sit in silence, to take on new exploits we may not complete, we champion each other and it was truly only the other day I realized why I love Kieron so much. First up let me say that we are quite traditional, I keep the home (quite poorly), I do the kids day to day stuff, I do the cooking (Kieron is not the best, although the damn kids, told me daddies scrambled eggs are better than mine – ass holes), but I have never had to mow the lawn or power wash the house – thank fuck for that, absolutely no desire, to do that stuff. But, I will heavy lift and drive across a country to get an adventure. No I truly realised when I loved Kieron, on 2 separate occasions it hit me in such a grateful and warm way, it made me feel wanted, loved and at peace.

1) When without me asking, he gently lifted me into the bath when I was really unwell and proceeded to wash my hair, rinse and comb it and put me back to bed.

2) When, as we moved on out of Naples, he in that huge truck carrying all our worldly possessions from 10 years and pulling a trailer with his car I have never loved him more, for his capacity to do this shit and reverse that monstrosity and not be phased one iota. SWOON. MY hero 🙂

But, what is it about Kieron and I that has kept us together and not pushed us apart, humor, we both possess a shit one. He is hardworking, honest, a doer, kind, nothing is ever too much for anyone if you need his help, he is generous, he loves a challenge and makes me push my boundaries to realize I can be who I want to be, not what people think I should be. He loves me unconditionally when I am melting down, and life gets too much, he understands my need for space, that I can be a prickly hedgehog (yes I am called the hedgehog), that my past can cloud my present and just like that day in the pub in Balham, he stays, he waits, he loves me for being me.

Crystal, clear, cut glass – we are clear to each other, cut from the same cloth and yes I am good at smashing glass. These 15 years have brought so much, three wild boys, a move to a new country, new jobs, new adventures, some pain, some challenge, but even with our busy lives and demanding kids, we can still see each other. The best advice I was ever given was by my nan, who sadly died before Arthur was born, she said “remember your husband came before the children and when the kids leave, your husband will still be there, so see him, put him first always”. I still rememeber that today and check myself to put Kieron first AND without him and my bodies amazing ability to reproduce after all the years of starvation I subjected it to, we managed to have three astounding wildlings.

Therefore, I dedicate this post to Kieron (he is not a vomit your life on social media like I am), who loves me for all I am, men came before and could not take up the Kelly challenge, or want to just wait for me to be me and accept me. He did, with his huge smile, brown eyes and kindness he let me be. He allowed me to let him in, with no force, he just patiently waited and listened and he will even dance with me.

15 years , WTF, May 21st, sadly he is travelling, he works hard, or may just be hunting for my Rolex 🙂 but we will not be together, but that is ok, a day a relationship does not make, but a card is nice, ohhh, I love a soppy card. Kieron , this is for you, know that I see you, I love you with all I am, I appreciate all you do for our family, how hard you work to create the life we now have and enjoy. You may not be a flower guy, but man you buy me gorgeous hand bags. Superficial me? Nooooooo 🙂

Now about that Rolex?

Love Kelly (Crystal) Joy

The lost HUG!

Today, I dedicate these heartfelt words to the elusive hug. Oh where for art thou sweet hug? Unbeknownst to me, you have been ripped from my bosom, tossed away and fed to the COVID lions, all 19 of them. As they roam our fertile, overpopulated earth, feeding off our vulnerabilities, locking us up in our homes to stare at four stark walls, listless, lifeless and hugless.

SO hugless. I am not a talkative soul, I communicate through written word or with my physical being. I can still write, so here I am writing – SURPRISE, but I have not touched another person (my husband and 3 squirmy boys, are not included here) for 5 whole weeks. No hug, no hand shake, no kiss on the cheek, nothing! Just 6 feet of heart wrenching emptiness, yawning like a chasm, petrifying and unobtainable. I never knew how much I needed that type of connectivity, that feeling of closeness. Now please do not get me wrong, I do not go around bear squishing everyone I meet, but the people I care for, share time with, who open up to me, share moments with me, I want to express my delight with them. My deep soul love for them and there is absolutely nothing sexual about this at all. It is all about occupying, unifying a space and handing them my trust and devotion to our friendship, in a neat, hug sized package.

OH that delicious hug, the feeling of my cheek on your shoulder, the heat against my skin, the complete safety of being enveloped, for a brief tiny moment into the safety of another. Heart beats tick tocking in unison, thrumming tunefully together. A glimmer of a soul can shoot through and then be lost as you pull apart, in the unspoken knowledge that you have both shared something deeper than a spoken word.

I count down the days until I can share freedom with another human being. Supping coffee, running together, sitting close and chatting, hugging, tight squeezes, brief grapples, a peck on the cheek and head on a shoulder, just being close to a person you want inside your 6ft bubble.

I miss you dear hug, please come home soon.

Love a very sad K K Joy