Cusp, discovery.

My articulation of the following matters will no doubt be poor. I am an Aries, I do things fast, I like to get from A-B the easiest and quickest way possible and if that means corners are cut, then that is my unwanted dead stock. My education was science and sport focused, I was good at them so I stuck to them. Hence, forming prose and ideas on paper (screen) come freely from within, but will rarely be grammatically correct or presented as eloquently as people who ACTUALLY can write.

I write for therapy, I write to share. I write to tell people that it is OK to share the shit as well as the good that weaves through our existence. I never want sympathy, I do not need it, I know who I am and I know what is unique about the way my brain processes and the way I feel and I feel a hell of a lot. Sometimes when this emotion is so strong I can feel it physically. At my lowest this once has made me hallucinate (sadly this was not drug induced).

What is great is that I have pretty much been anxiety free for 8 weeks. Things are brighter, life is clearer, I can love readily. I have reduced the pressures of my day, I have continued to exercise, I write, I am baking more and forcing myself to sit very still and watch my children play. I have cracked open my Tarot cards and started to feel them again, channeling my thoughts through imagery and a realm beyond. I FEEL CALM… Its a very novel and beautiful thing for me.

From all of this, I have started to question religion again, the meaning of my life, the grand old question, why the fuck am I here? Clearly not just to swim, bake, parent and drink coffee.

My whole life I have felt like I live on the edge of a great discovery of self. As a what am I here to give? I know I am here to help others and to give myself to nurture and love, but its more than that. As a kid I used to think I was a fairy, I used to sit at the end of our garden, under the brambles and search out my fairy family. I have tried to talk to dead relatives, but I was never sure I could really do it. I can feel and see an energy, people glow to me, I know who I can trust by a light that people have. I can feel emotions from others and some people do feel dark and it is those I cannot be near or spend time with. The upshot is, I am fascinated with religion, but my brain is steeped with science fact. So, I have read a lot recently, trying to formulate my beliefs or not.

The thing is I do not believe in one god – I do believe in a greater energy (if you want to call that god,so be it)

I do not believe that Jesus fed the 5000 or could walk on water (that would make him a wicca, no?) – yet I believe a good man walked our earth and helped others.

I do not believe in Adam and Eve – I do believe in the evolution of the earth, mind, body and soul.

I do not believe in a Heaven, Hell or Valhalla, but I do believe in reincarnation and a energy transference.

I believe that the earth is our creator who needs our love and protection.

It is an interesting learning curve, I am reading about many gods and traditions and religious roots in Paganism, which is currently where I am sitting and I am just discovering Pantheism, these both recognize all that is divine, worship nature and recognize the feminist face of the divinity.

A definition of Paganism: A polytheistic or pantheistic nature-worshiping religion

A definition of Pantheism
1. A doctrine that equates God with the forces and laws of nature.
2. The worship of all gods of different religions, cults or peoples
indifferently, also tolerance of such worship

I have also become obsessed with the novel “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. Which encompasses all gods and goddesses from a variety of religions and presents them as a single group  all respecting, but either working for or against the other.

I understand the need for religion, the need for faith and love, a sense of unity and a place to sit with like minded people, to create community, to give a focus to our meaning and a person with whom we can talk to at any time of the day.

However I do not understand, the violence, the nonacceptance of another persons point of view, another individuals needs, hopes and fears. I am not Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Jehovah, Wicca or a Buddhist. Yet I have friends who are. I may not always agree with what they say or what they believe, but I love them for their strength to place their belief in something or someone, which I have not yet done or will do any time soon.

I float way below the divine, lost, but not lost, searching for that light, love and revelation. I am most at one with life under the water in silence or standing on top of a mountain, arms spread wide with the wind in my face, biting my skin, the sun warming my bones. The world below me, majestic, breathtaking, light, volatile, unpredictable, DIVINE.

Nature is my god, goddess and savior,the elements my angels and guides, humans are the dark forces to bring to the light, to see, to understand what we have been given and must protect.

I am still no clearer, but calmer, I am to read more, learn more and one hopes, relatively anxiety free.





Ommmmm Nope?!?

Yesterday I did my first mediation class … 

Yesterday I panicked I could not sit still for an hour.

Yesterday I was in turmoil that I may randomly fart in a very quiet and close room.

Yesterday my body started to ache and itch profusely.

Yesterday I spent the whole hour wanting to get up and fidget.

Yesterday I became aware of other people’s bodily functions.

Yesterday I wanted to punch three people in the room for snoring loudly. What is this, adult nap time?
Yesterday I was asked where I transcended to? I replied I’m not sure wether I transcended or it’s that I have an awesome imagination?!?

 Yesterday I did not meditate. 

It’s no use crying over “spilt” apple juice.

Every day I run the gauntlet of either being a complete and utter shit show or sporadically I can be freaking awesome, when all those planned, little moments, fall exactly in to place.

Each day I run and run and run at full speed and pretty much achieving “f” all in the grand scheme of my ridiculous, human aspirations and desires. Hair brushed – still looks a mess, kids all out the door to school – only 2 out of the 3 will have underwear on or have brushed their teeth, sweep the floor –  but it doesn’t reach the trash, washing done – but gets folded in 2 days time, put washing away, – well you might as well just put the clothes on as there are none left in your drawer; and so the hamster wheels turns and turns, relentless in its progress and never, ever stopping.

Today officially was a shit show.

8.00 am – kids to school – forget snacks and diapers for kid 3 – drive home, mild blaspheme.

8.35 am – leave again – off to swimming. I smile.

9 am – I swim, pick up K3 from childcare and he has pissed his pants (they are weirdly not allowed to change him in the child watch – bloody sucks) now I have urine all over my hands and washed for 50 Th time, I sigh.

10 am- K3 swimming lesson – kid screams a full 20 minutes in the pool, I hide.

10.30 am – my favourite sunglasses break as I chase crazy, escaping kid around the pool edge. I mutter.

11 am – coffee balanced in hand and croissant in kids mouth we brave Costco by singing the whole way round – head down, battle stance, lets do this. I run.

11.50 am – pick up kid 2 from school, K3 falls asleep in car, now I have to transfer him to bed, get out Costco shop and feed K2 lunch, I run.

12 noon – K3 in bed, K2 washing hands, me, I am being buried under a deluge of snack boxes as I pull open the trunk and they proceed to tumble all over the drive way, cooked chicken is ejected and explodes out of its bag and I am covered in meat juice. I swear repeatedly. “Hey, no swearing until you can drive, I warn kid 2”.

12.03 pm – lug shopping into the house and a 2 gallon apple juice falls to the floor. Balancing boxes I pick up the sturdy looking bottle, like a ninja in training. Only to realize its cracked and leaking, all over me, the floor and I now have this wonderful mixture of chicken, apple juice aroma emitting from my personage.

12.05 pm – desperately trying to decant at speed, juice in to drinking bottles and in among the over flowing sink of the morning dishes, I had not managed to clear up yet,  I knock a 32 oz filled bottle of rescued apple juice all over the counter. I stretch my arm out quickly to rescue it, I proceed to whack over the drinking glasses next to it and propel them clattering and smashing all over the oven…. I’M SOOOOO DONE!

12.08 pm  – I stand upright, I scream, I shout “fucking hell” as loud as I can, I bury my wretched face in to my gloriously sticky, chicken, apple hands and I sob and sob and sob. Wailing “I cannot do this, I just cannot keep up”. Like an absolute lunatic. 🙂

I am clearly prone to being a little dramatic, plus I think I scared the shit out of kid 2 with my emotional display. Seeing his wide eyes looking at me and the juice pooling on the floor, ready for an ant pool party. I begin to pull the frazzled strings of my mind back together and sit on the floor to breathe. I hug my little guy hard and we laugh at crazy mama. “Time for lunch”, I say!

There is no use crying over spilt apple juice……

School Mania

I cannot keep up with the shit I have to do for my kids schools, snack days, projects, PTO, providing supplies, presentations, school trips, book fairs, Christmas fairs, walk a thons, fund raising did I mention projects oh and projects and homework, homework and more fucking homework. Have you ever tried to coax a screaming, mid melt down 7 yr old to do a scrap of homework after a full day at school? Where my kid has to work extra hard, just to sit still in his seat and try very hard not build Lego in place of listening to his teacher, after only a max of 40 mins recess ALL DAY… I mean, just shoot me now, before he eats me during his crazy tirade of “I HATE HOMEWORK, ALL WE DO IS WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, I HATE WRITING” ARRGGHHHHHHH (I’m cowering under the table, with kid 2 and 3, who weirdly also need my attention, funny that?!?!?!?!?) I am very sure he would whip out the F word if it was acceptable to do so. Bloody give it here kid, I’ll do the damn math, science, writing, spelling for you…..

Really, there should be a sliding scale of school demands put upon parents relative to, if you have a full time job plus the number of dependents you care for, that includes grandparents, who I know for some people are as needy if not more so than their 4 yr old.

I would happily donate $250 at the beginning of the year towards all class activities and projects and sign a waiver that they will just leave me well alone. I have enough in my day just trying to get all children to the correct schools and activities on  time (invariably, I forget those also), let alone buying and lugging pieces of card, bigger than my body from “Michael’s” for my kids next assignment.