Why must we attack?

I would like to point out that I do not start this post from a place of anger or righteousness. Nor from an assumed higher stand point on race, religion, politics or whatever else people seem to beat each other up over, demean, belittle or try to persuade to change, using noise, anger and hate.

BASICALLY, THERE IS WAY TOO MUCH SHOUTING, not enough action and a bucket of ANGER. Everyone seems so volatile and they are turning on friends, groups, tribes, peoples feelings and thoughts. It seems at a time when we need to love harder than ever and join together, the lines are drawn, the boundaries are built and are getting taller by the day.

As, you may or may not know I am a bit of a social media voyeur, I mean I LOVE social media. I occasionally try to have an online opinion / voice, usually resulting in me getting severely burnt, crushed and then I vow never to do that again. Plus, I truly do not want to add any more fuel to the rabid fire of discord that is sweeping around us.

I scroll through Facebook over breakfast, and watch as individuals are publicly attacking each other on race views, LGBTQ opinions and thoughts, whether you love or hate Trump, whether you are red or blue, whether you are religious, not religious, believe in Coronavirus or think its a hoax. If I were to list my credentials that would potentially cause a online put down or hate fest, I would be :-

Race views – “black Lives matter”, yes I know all lives do matter, but as a white person I have never had to fight hard to be secure in the knowledge that my life matters. People of color do. Yes all lives are precious but we need to fight the point that black lives matter, to even begin to get their lives to the level of an “all lives matter” discussion. Does that make sense? Because, as a white person I know my life matters, and that has never been suppressed or disputed. Like EVER. I mean, can you imagine what it must feel like to not feel equal, just because of the amount of melanin your skin contains.

LGBTQ views – Just be you and be happy and if that means loving a boy, a girl, boys and girls. loving no one, changing sex, being fluid, being asexual. JUST BE YOU that is all. Everyone, should have the freedom to be what the fuck they want to be, no judgement. Period! I really do not understand why anyone would have a problem with it?

Politics – I cannot vote, and if I did, it probably would not be for Trump. Yet the economy before Coronavirus really has never been better. I have lots of Republican friends and lots of Democrat friends and to be honest it is OK to have an opinion and I will not try to change it by shouting. I am also not educated enough in that realm to really have a valid opinion or stand point. Yet, I agree, take the POTUS’s volatile Twitter account away.

Religion – Not religious, agnostic yes. Please do not try to change me, and I will not change you. But know this, I truly understand why you have a faith, that sense of belonging and security in thought, must be so grounding.

I believe in science, so I believe in Coronavirus and I will social distance, wear a mask and wash my hands.

OK if you need to release the boiling fire inside you, go-ahead you can use me to release it. I will listen and then walk away. As, I have always told my children, if you shout at people, no one will listen and or hit you. Yet, adults are still screaming at each other. WE NEED TO LISTEN, care for and then listen again to each other. We do not have to agree, but we need to respect views, listen some more and talk rationally.

WHY SO MUCH HATE? Is it from fear? I feel like the underlying commonality is terror, living in the unknown. We have a pandemic that does not abate (wear masks people). We have race movement that is generating change, giving voice and bringing us all up to the line to move forward as a whole, single body of people. Yet there is back lash, riots, bad elements that whip around all the greatness that is achieved, minimizing it and creating a discord, disharmony and chaos. People retreat and fall silent for fear of being attacked, verbally or physically and once again change is halted. We crawl back into our electronic holes of safety, desensitized to the life around us. Not accepting the movement that wants to propel us forward into the light, instead we allow ourselves to shiver in the dark, remaining terrified and angry. We surely cannot continue like this. SO please .

LISTEN to your neighbor, you do not have to agree.

LOVE your neighbor, even when they are ass holes.

LIKE your neighbor, see above

LIVE through kindness, as kindness is stronger that hate.

And if they shout at you, just simply walk away in silence. Because, a silent word is a powerful one.

Love Kelly “lets be chilled” Joy


Truly is in the eye of the beholder. We surely do not behold the beauty in ourselves, externally or internally. Women suck at liking themselves.

This evening I sat with 3 girlfriends, all unique, all beautiful in completely different ways and none of them could see it. Gorgeous smiles , kind hearts, rocking bodies, complete sexy packages and not one of them could see it and accept their awesomeness. What creates this self doubt and internal blindness. Society? Men? Religion? Other women? Who said beauty had to look a certain way? What makes that way beautiful ? I want to know? I want to see this perfection! Where is it? Who has it? All of us do? But none of us believe it see .,

It breaks my heart. That so much delight, is not beheld or loved by the person who owns it.

Why? and when will we find it? Secretly in our rooms when no one is watching? After taking 300 selfies to get the perfect shot, we’ve all done it?

Or never?

Or maybe?

But we need to see ourselves for what we are, The great, gross, beauty, banality of our being, accept, appreciate, not always love, but realize it is what makes us unique, one of a kind and no one else has this. It’s special and crazily wonderful.

For Cat ❤️

I finally dig yoga. Thank fuck.

These are the voyages of the star sprite Kelly – ise, to seek out new worlds and new civilizations, to boldly go where no mentally unstable girl has gone before – Cue muzak  Well it goes something like that, doesn’t it?

For 30 longish years I have waded through the the boggy recesses of my fucked up mind, pushing against the tide of blah blah blah, a whole messy bunch of mental failure and drear-some darkness. Sporadically punctuated by a few bright splashes of my real self. All shiny, exuberant and full of fun loving deliciousness. I have frequently and repeatedly been told I should meditate (which I am completely shite at) and do Yoga (with whom I have a long hate hate relationship with) Why? You ask. let me enlighten you…..

Tooooo damn slow.

Too much damn lycra.

Too many embarrassing, creepy (stolen from my current yoga instructor) deep breathing.

The music is too slow

Too expensive

I could go on. In short I would have rather gone to a spin class, with booming house music and sweated my ass off. Which is what I did for 30 years.

I did pregnancy yoga, but I got dizzy and still had to have the cesarean (3 times). I tried floaty, religousy yoga, well I do not believe in god (sorry to all my religious friends, he does not exist)  and that may have been helpful. I did the spiritual, incense laden, lets travel to India yoga, all very nice but to much arm pit hair and unwashed pony tails in a room (ahh now I know why there is so much incense). I tried, the fit, hot, rich mum yoga, but in short they are not at all friendly unless you drive a Range Rover and have an account at Lululemon, I drive a big fat Yukon, affectionately known as the Polar bear – she is a white car and I wear yoga gear that are Target specials.

So after those long years of  discovery bullshit, I walked in to “The Yoga Lab”. I sub sequentially found my yoga home. The people are friendly, but not obnoxious, the drop in fee is reasonable, they are trippy and enlightened, but not dippy and dull. The class is fast and the instructor admits to his own failures, the yoga is not pretty, but pushes me to work hard and challenges me both in my body and mind. The music is loud and big on the bass, it is hot and sweaty and not at one moment can my anxieties take over and defeat me. There is no time, all my energy is exhausted by my screaming muscles and my focused mind. Yes there is Lycra abound and the deep creepish breathing (I still struggle with that and want to punch the nearest person), no one is posing or prancing like a wanker, but it is dark and the energy is flowing and nothing can escape the room or enter it once that hour starts. We are taught to keep our joy and not give it away, to stand still and be, to not let life rob us of our internalization and freedom, we have to just be and to just be silent and still.

At last my eureka moment. I feel like I have finally understood this practice, or have I found a practice that has finally understood me. In that hour I only feel the sparks of my light, I feel like I am glowing and not hiding in the shade and shadows of the anxiety filled recesses of my psyche.

No one needs me or wants me in those carefully carved out moments, so I can only be who I am, who I am meant to be and that is Kelly.

Agnostic Catholic

My eldest son is merely eight and he has already come to the opinion, with very little guidance from myself, that he flatly refuses to believe in God, Jesus or the teachings of the holy bible. Sacrilege, I hear you cry, what awful parents, how dare they subject their son to such morality lows. In my defense, he has come to this opinion, all on his own, I will not lie that I am not on the same page as he (but yes I am ) but my approach is softer and appreciative of a persons right to believe in whatever the fuck they want. As long as you do not judge another for not accepting or following that belief. We all have the ability and right to make our own choices. This is where my parenting begins with K1’s religious education. No matter WHAT he believes, he must never demean another persons right to chose and to have an opinion. As he has called his brother an idiot for thinking that we will go to hell if we do not believe in Jesus, to quote his words, “Jesus does not exist and neither does hell, that is just stupid”! We have worked hard on tempering this attitude and harsh delivery of his belief 🙂

K1 is head strong, willful, pig headed, intelligent, he also sits on the autistic spectrum, so he struggles with areas that are grey. The world is black or white., God or no God. He believes in science, planets, evolution, Darwin, dinosaurs, he also believes that the earth is his guidance, nature his energy source, what he must believe in and nurture, kindness is his road to enlightenment and rocks are mystical and sacred. He always carries a semi precious rock in his pocket or bag, to hold, to manipulate or peek at, to wonder at.

So imagine my surprise when he agreed to go to church with his best friend, who is catholic. He had to sit in church, through the sermon in silence, for a FULL hour. Not a peep did he make. I am pleased he went, it is important for him to understand how others believe and for him to be able to make an informative decision on where he wants to sit (if ever) on the belief spectrum. It was kind of my friend to share this family experience with him (she said he was a very good boy, I was slightly panicking that he would announce that they were all fucking dumb and god never existed). But he stayed silent, he listened and he appreciated. When I asked him how it was? He said “I kinda liked it, it was nice and quiet and we listened to music”, “do you believe now”? I asked, “no”, he said, “but I enjoyed listening”. he even said he would go back. I was so proud of him, he chose for the love of his friend, to respect and share this experience with him, he realized it made his friend feel accepted and respected and that although their religious differences, it meant no divide, or hate or heart break.

Then they went and played Lego, a whole new religion.


Query of the religious kind

My fascination of the functionality of religion and religious odyssey continues. As I continue to challenge my idea of worship vs mainstream religion, questions continue to be raised in my frenzlicious mind of thought.

It all centers on kindness for me. For the world to survive and continue, one needs to be kind, loving and helpful towards others. To see a fellow human being struggling and in pain and then to try to ease it, share the burden, lighten the load.

I believe I am a kind person, I know I am an empathetic and sensitive person, I can feel and see another persons mental state quite easily and therefore if it feels off center, I am compelled to aid their plight or ease their suffering. Often I hear the phrase, thank God for you being there or I thank God for my good fortune, thank the lord for giving me this gift ……. fill in here whatever you need. People feel compelled to thank God for all that is wonderful and it happens every day.

But my question is, why do we have to thank god for another persons kindness, or a gift you have? I come from the UK where pretty much if you go to church, you are seen as an oddity, against the norm and if you go all the time, maybe a little weird. In England, I would say 75% of people do not go to church, unless it is a wedding, christening or funeral. Churches are shutting down, not being built, due to a lack of attendance and funding. I personally do not believe in a god a higher power yes and do not thank him or that for my kindness, gifts or someones good actions towards me, I thank them, I thank myself for my strength or talents, they are mine not a entity whom I cannot see, touch or speak with face to face. Someone I have never ever seen or met. I am told what he looks like, is he a he? He could be a she, a goat, an elephant, a ball of energy or a manifestation of our energies combined, he could be planted in our subconsciousness by an alien life form. You do not know. We will never know. I mean we live on a planet, in a tiny galaxy surrounded by a dark matter we cannot see… We actually know nothing.

What I do want to know is? If I do a good deed for you, but I do not believe in god, am I still destined for hell and I must be saved? Even though I am a good and kind person? I do not cheat or steal or lie (too much :)) or hurt others mentally or physically, I do not kill, then why do I need to believe in a “something” to be worthy of the owner of the humanity and benevolence I readily give to others? It is not Gods to give, it is mine. Why is Lord above the owner of our greatness and altruism and then we must take the blame for the evil we can bestow upon our race? If we have to keep the evil, please lets us have the balance of good, it does not belong to God or Jesus or the church, but it is our property, the lowly flawed human.

Surely, to make our way through the pearly gates of heaven, we have to be “good” so we need to take ownership of that and if we choose to give this to an entity of worship, then it is our choice to give it. Not his, theirs or any one else for that matter.


Cusp, discovery.

My articulation of the following matters will no doubt be poor. I am an Aries, I do things fast, I like to get from A-B the easiest and quickest way possible and if that means corners are cut, then that is my unwanted dead stock. My education was science and sport focused, I was good at them so I stuck to them. Hence, forming prose and ideas on paper (screen) come freely from within, but will rarely be grammatically correct or presented as eloquently as people who ACTUALLY can write.

I write for therapy, I write to share. I write to tell people that it is OK to share the shit as well as the good that weaves through our existence. I never want sympathy, I do not need it, I know who I am and I know what is unique about the way my brain processes and the way I feel and I feel a hell of a lot. Sometimes when this emotion is so strong I can feel it physically. At my lowest this once has made me hallucinate (sadly this was not drug induced).

What is great is that I have pretty much been anxiety free for 8 weeks. Things are brighter, life is clearer, I can love readily. I have reduced the pressures of my day, I have continued to exercise, I write, I am baking more and forcing myself to sit very still and watch my children play. I have cracked open my Tarot cards and started to feel them again, channeling my thoughts through imagery and a realm beyond. I FEEL CALM… Its a very novel and beautiful thing for me.

From all of this, I have started to question religion again, the meaning of my life, the grand old question, why the fuck am I here? Clearly not just to swim, bake, parent and drink coffee.

My whole life I have felt like I live on the edge of a great discovery of self. As a what am I here to give? I know I am here to help others and to give myself to nurture and love, but its more than that. As a kid I used to think I was a fairy, I used to sit at the end of our garden, under the brambles and search out my fairy family. I have tried to talk to dead relatives, but I was never sure I could really do it. I can feel and see an energy, people glow to me, I know who I can trust by a light that people have. I can feel emotions from others and some people do feel dark and it is those I cannot be near or spend time with. The upshot is, I am fascinated with religion, but my brain is steeped with science fact. So, I have read a lot recently, trying to formulate my beliefs or not.

The thing is I do not believe in one god – I do believe in a greater energy (if you want to call that god,so be it)

I do not believe that Jesus fed the 5000 or could walk on water (that would make him a wicca, no?) – yet I believe a good man walked our earth and helped others.

I do not believe in Adam and Eve – I do believe in the evolution of the earth, mind, body and soul.

I do not believe in a Heaven, Hell or Valhalla, but I do believe in reincarnation and a energy transference.

I believe that the earth is our creator who needs our love and protection.

It is an interesting learning curve, I am reading about many gods and traditions and religious roots in Paganism, which is currently where I am sitting and I am just discovering Pantheism, these both recognize all that is divine, worship nature and recognize the feminist face of the divinity.

A definition of Paganism: A polytheistic or pantheistic nature-worshiping religion

A definition of Pantheism
1. A doctrine that equates God with the forces and laws of nature.
2. The worship of all gods of different religions, cults or peoples
indifferently, also tolerance of such worship

I have also become obsessed with the novel “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. Which encompasses all gods and goddesses from a variety of religions and presents them as a single group  all respecting, but either working for or against the other.

I understand the need for religion, the need for faith and love, a sense of unity and a place to sit with like minded people, to create community, to give a focus to our meaning and a person with whom we can talk to at any time of the day.

However I do not understand, the violence, the nonacceptance of another persons point of view, another individuals needs, hopes and fears. I am not Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Jehovah, Wicca or a Buddhist. Yet I have friends who are. I may not always agree with what they say or what they believe, but I love them for their strength to place their belief in something or someone, which I have not yet done or will do any time soon.

I float way below the divine, lost, but not lost, searching for that light, love and revelation. I am most at one with life under the water in silence or standing on top of a mountain, arms spread wide with the wind in my face, biting my skin, the sun warming my bones. The world below me, majestic, breathtaking, light, volatile, unpredictable, DIVINE.

Nature is my god, goddess and savior,the elements my angels and guides, humans are the dark forces to bring to the light, to see, to understand what we have been given and must protect.

I am still no clearer, but calmer, I am to read more, learn more and one hopes, relatively anxiety free.