With the unfolding doom swirling around us, as the universe locks up shop and secretly sinks into an oblivion of nothingness. As we start descending in to a dank basement of darkness and gloom, a blinding light breaks through and shatters the night…. The glare of super social media stands strong, as our hero of the piece.
The World Wide Web has exploded. We are now pleasantly subjected to the talents of enthusiastic, slightly out of shape, gin drinking, gorgeously, gyrating mothers in leotards singing “I will survive”. We have been delighted by serenading Italians on their balconies (sadly I am not that talented). There are muffin topped, naked stoners, swinging their dicks in time to a pendulum and not one hair from that saggy scrotum is flashed, as they “expertly” keep in time to the pendulum. All the while, continuously smoking and seriously not a single one of those curly pubes are displayed. WOW, I bow down to his genius!?! Gulp maybe not, that is closer than 6ft and I will then be eye level with a pair of aging, drooping ball bags; I salute you sir I salute you. The stream of videos is endless… We have the, run around the house naked video – POST! Teach fractions with large glasses of wine (loved) video – POST! Juggle small cats video POST! Exploding brain cells BOOM BOOM BOOM video – POST! ARGGHHHH INSANITY VIDEO, POST POST POST! Lets just lay ourselves down in front of the camera and completely lose our shit video… POST the goddam life out of it people. Keep going people, keep at it ALWAYS, because the struggle is real and we are with you on this ride.
Having said all that, I am completely, utterly and deeply in love with the raw exposed talent of all of this. No one gives a crap. It is all, “here I am”, see me jack around and I hope I can make you laugh. I have officially, cracked up, lay on the floor dying with side hurting laughter so much in the last 2 weeks, that I secretly love Corona (light beer) virus for the gifts it just keeps giving, aside from a persisitent cough, potential lung destruction and a small side plate of death.
I am also in awe of the radically new, totally unhelpful skills I too am learning. From staying indoors for what seems like an eternity, dudes I have gained serious SKILLZ and yes the Z means these are awesome. Let me list them and I am sure you will be impressed with my new found prowess across a wealth of topics.
1) Washing hands like a surgeon – man I have that hands up, elbow action down, like seriously down, maybe a video, why the hell not – POST.
2) Opening doors with my feet, yes I can lift my leg that high, impressed? You should be, I am nearly 43 years old. I am practically a grandma (eeekkk and in the high risk category)
3) Making a bleach solution and the ability to speed clean my groceries with said homemade bleach solution in 3 minutes. Just call me Americas top Ninja warrior.
4) I have re learnt the art of the flax egg, you egg hoarders will not destroy my baking, you will not destroy my ability to eat CAKE. We must eat cake.
5) The ability to make dinner from quinoa, my last egg (damn you hoarders) and dead looking veg (truly it was entering the annihilated, limp, manky, death stage) – TA DAAAAAA – Chinese stir fry ala the Rona. No one died eating it, so score on that front.
6) I can do a headstand for a long time, legs straight up and everything – OOHH VIDEO opportunity right there. POST – If naked, I am sure I’ll get at least 5 likes.
7) I can shout really loudly above the “taking off jumbo jet” din of 3 boys trying to kill each other with plastic Lightsabers. Believe me that is loud, like immense.
There are also a million and one completely mind numbing, un-useful skills I can add. Like expert timewasting, plucking my eyebrows for almost 30 minutes, staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes and thinking of nothing. Cleaning door handles everyday, not folding washing and making copious amounts of grill cheese sandwiches; we always have bread and cheese.
I know you are jealous, I am so cool, NOT!! Shit, I may even start dressing up and wearing makeup. So, on that sad note I’ll go back online and indulge in all those other caged, wildly talented folk. I particularly enjoy dancing, gin drinking, lycra clad videos, surely there is a site for that? (PS for you locked up men, the Pornhub is now free for quarantine, you are welcome.)
Please please Send me your SKILLZ (clean) with a Z and make me laugh, or seriously I may just cry when I have run out of eyebrows to pluck.
No one is going to save you Kelly, remember that.
My name is Kelly and I am addicted to 1980s, lycra injected social media.